• evan mccrary

How We Got Here

Every beginning comes from an ending

Written October 2019

October. October has always served as an important month of change in my life. October is the 10th month of the year. October is a very spiritual month serving as the beginning of the veil thinning to connect with our loved ones. Many of the women in my family and friends were born in October. Yet, October 2018 severed as a catalyst for a plunge into the depths of myself. A plunge that, in retrospect, was very dark and I didn’t have a scuba light.

That October, after a year of losses, I was going to experience my final one in the form of a significant romantic relationship. That moment was one of the most powerful shifts I’ve ever experienced. The day the cord was cut. The ending of this relationship was not spurned from anything that either of us had done (even though nothing has to happen to end any relationship FYI).

It was also the beginning of me separating from who I thought I was. I thought I was a Black Woman who was independent, accommodating, “nice” (more on this later), loving, logical, wise (about my own s**t), knowing, flexible, adaptable, and emotionally aware but did not allow my emotions to rule me. However, I found that many of these attributes or characteristics were not in-fact me, but approved behaviors and characteristics that were given to me by the people that loved me (more on this later). It terrified and intrigued me to open myself up to this level of questioning. I knew how to analyze my emotions and my behaviors (years of therapy and psych and social work degrees taught me that). But, to question WHO I was?!

For example, I asked myself “Am I really independent? OR….is my independent nature the result of being told I was by parents and family because independence and self-sufficiency is deemed valuable? Is being independent a trauma response?” Questioning aspects of my personality and “nature” that I without questioned, knew to be true……up to that point. While these were just early questions, slowly but surely realizing I wasn’t being my authentic self.

I was realizing that this current form, “the put together”, calm, cool collected, wise, knowing, independent person could not last any longer and had to die. This person had brought me so far and with her I experienced so many highs, joys, and accomplishments. But this version of me was not sustainable and was taxing to my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. There will absolutely be more said about this topic in another blog post.

So, I began the journey. Assessing (with licensed clinical professional and healers), awakening, and dying to this self, hurt like hell. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I had to sit with all parts of me (mind, body and spirit) and start to TRULY and engage in RADICAL HONESTY in order to see myself. How I abandoned, betrayed, ignored, dismissed, harmed parts of myself that I deemed unlovable and ask why I engaged in these behaviors. What was I hiding? What was I afraid of?

Let me say this real quick, there is this desire for ourselves and the people around us to do “the work” to “heal” so that we can engage, relate and connect with others in the healthiest ways. I want this for myself and those that I love. HOW-THE F**K-EVER…. I deeply empathize with those that don’t or those that may delay that process for themselves. Unless people tell you what truly lies beneath, you never know. THEY may not know or remember (trauma can shift your memory btw). So please extend compassion, grace, and empathy to others. BUT don’t do their work for them (more on that later).

If I summed up my process, there was a lot of crying, substance usage, comfort food ( Blaze pizza), READING ( I’ll do a post about this later) energy work (cord cutting, reiki, akashic records), Tension Reduction Exercises ( or Trauma Reduction Exercises..more on that later), prayer, walking and yoga , STILLNESS, tarot cards and journaling. VOICE MEMOS became my best friend when I couldn’t share with my therapist or didn’t feel safe to share. It was very challenging at the onset to find joy, pleasure, or fun in this work.

Note: For clarification, healing and spiritual awakenings have a dualistic nature to them. These experiences can be both heavy, challenging, painful (e.g., shadow work) and they can be full of joy, pleasure, fun (inner child work). Experiencing both are important. Acknowledging that both are a part of this very human experience is important. Please be sure to find both in this work and make it a point to schedule or plan it out. Lastly, your healing experience is YOUR HEALING EXPERIENCE (more on this later).

I did find pleasure and joy in this work through voice memos, journaling and tarot cards. I met my ancestors and God at my altar and in nature (their altar). I also met them at 3am on the floor crying, in prayer, with my tarot cards and journal….and this is where 1010 was born.

For about a month, I was waking up between 3am and 4am. Each night during that month, I was waking up with all the energy and did not know what to do with it. When I attended a workshop with Tatiana Tarot (because she knew what was going on spiritually), she encouraged me to get my cards and ask God and my Ancestors what they want me to know (a practice I still engage in). During this month, I consistently (even in my morning pulls) pulled the 10 of Swords. If you’ve ever seen this particular tarot card, it’s not pleasant. The part that got me is that between my Rider Waite-Smith Deck and my Voodoo Tarot deck, the 10 of Swords made itself known.

Imagine being in a dark space and you keep getting that card? I was UPSET. Like when is this shit over?!

To say that this experience was so frustrating and irritating, is an understatement! I became angry with God and my ancestors, cussed them smooth out and then cried on the floor begging for forgiveness and help. I was doing the therapy, uncovering, engaging in radical honesty, JOURNALING, using the tools I was given so that I could be an ACTIVE participant in my healing work.

I wanted to get out of the house (literal and metaphorical). I wanted to socialize. I wanted to dance and have FUN. I was over this s**t to be quite motherf***ing honest. I know I was rushing my healing process. I was feeling the pressure and was tired of crying and the physical pain (mine and that of my Ancestors). But the consistent 10 of swords tarot card told me “GIRL YOU IZ DEAD. You are going through a painful ending, gaining awareness of deep wounds, experiencing deep losses……. DON'T YOU THINK I KNEW THAT?! No matter how much I shuffled and asked other questions, I still ended up with the same damn card. My frustration and desperation to understand what my ancestors and God were trying to teach empowered me to follow them.

According to Madame Pamita’s – Magical Tarot, when the 10 of swords appears: When this card shows up in a reading, you are absolutely closing one chapter and beginning a new one. For good or bad, there is no going back. We are closing the door on that tough time, opening up a fresh new chapter, and never ever have to go back that struggle. But even if the chapter was something that we thought we wanted, remember that the new chapter can be better, if we just surrender to this ending and open up joyfully to our fresh, new beginning.

I followed them into surrender. The deep surrender of being present with myself and everything going on. I was asked to face everything going on and gain clarity. I was invited to stand tall and walk through this fire towards rebirth.

In the void, I found 1010. The name 1010 was born out of an understanding of the significance of the number 10, 0 and 1 based in numerology, tarot, and angel numbers. The number 10 is a number of joy, celebration, abundance, or prosperity or exhaustion, burdens, martyrdom or painful endings.... endings that lead to significant change and newness. The combination signaled I was beginning something very new in a blank space. A space to awaken. A space of rest. A space for recalibration.

1010 Healing is an epicenter for feminine death and rebirth. For all of us to be seen, known, understood, and have space to reconstruct.

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